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All The Shades Of Blue

Series: Lyrics 'Verse
Word Count: ~2.100
Summary: A few days after their fall-out, Jack comes round to talk to Ianto.
Characters: Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Jack/Real Jack (hinted), Ianto/Lisa Hallett (hinted)
Rating: PG-13
Spoiler: Cyberwoman, Combat, Captain Jack Harkness
Setting: after Captain Jack Harkness
Warnings: Talk about suicide
Author's Note: This is a sequel to Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame and might be the second in a 'verse I wanna base on lyrics of songs that remind me of Jack and Ianto's relationship. I don't know yet if that'll work out, though. This story's title and quote is from Please Don't Stop The Rain by James Morrison.
Beta: Eleanor Harkness-Jones, thank you!
Disclaimer: I’m not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame
Lyrics 'Verse Masterlist

***
***

I don't know where I crossed the line
Was it something that I said
Or didn't say this time
And I don't know if it's me or you
But I can see the skies are changing
In all the shades of blue
And I don't know which way it's gonna go
If it's gonna be a rainy day
There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain
(Please Don't Stop The Rain – James Morrison)



It was strange to see Ianto that way. Huddled in a corner of the sofa with a bowl of crisps on his lap and the remote control in his hand. He almost looked his age. His eyes gave him away, though, telling Jack that Ianto might be twenty-four, but that he'd seen enough to be an old soul. It took Ianto a moment to find his composure – it hurt Jack to see how unusual his presence in Ianto's flat had turned out to become since the last time they'd met up here to have sex – then he stood up and made a weak attempt at straightening his hoodie and jeans. "Sir." He switched off the telly. "We can leave right now."

"I'm not here because of work," Jack said. The thought of Ianto assuming that without a question almost hurt more than what had happened over the last few days. His and Ianto's big fall-out in the Hub, Owen almost getting himself killed, then 1941 and Jack Harkness – the real one – and Ianto and Owen fighting over authority of the Hub. Jack had lost control over everything, as he was apparently prone to, and his instincts told him that it wasn't over yet.

"I gave you that key for emergencies," Ianto said. He went to the kitchen. Jack followed him.

The lights in here were bright, illuminating every niche of the tiny room. Everything was neat and organized: out of a catalogue and devoid of personality.

Ianto started to make coffee.

"Are you sending me away?" Jack asked.

"That depends on your definition of an emergency."

Jack stood in the kitchen door, torn between sitting down at the table like a well-behaved boss who'd practically broken into his employees flat or hugging Ianto to him to absorb his warmth and scent until he didn't feel so lonely and empty anymore. Ianto wouldn't want that. He'd made it clear that their physical relationship was over. For someone who'd pressured Ianto into baring his very soul after the Cyberwoman incident, Jack had kept too many things to himself. Ianto had trusted in those first dark days of his suspension that Jack would listen to everything he had to tell him – the escape from London, Lisa's pain, Tanizaki's hands on her body, Ianto's betrayal… Jack had taken everything in, asking "How did that make you feel?", receiving answers and honesty and tears and anger in return. Ianto had promised him no more lies, no more secrets and Jack had nodded and proceeded to keep his own secrets and tell his own lies. Ianto wasn't angry about Jack being immortal, he was angry about Jack keeping secrets after Ianto had given him everything.

Jack decided to sit at the table. "Is it an emergency if I almost killed myself tonight?"

A spoon clattered on the counter top and then slid down to the tiled floor. Ianto muttered something that could have been a curse or an apology and bent to pick it up and dispose of it in the sink. When he opened the drawer to get a new one, Jack saw his hand tremble.

Ianto cleared his throat. "Almost?" It was only one word but it represented acceptance of Jack being here.

He breathed a silent sigh of relief. "Almost," he said with a nod. "Then I remembered what you told me about me being too flippant about throwing my life in the gutter and I couldn't do it."

Ianto turned around to him. "You came here instead?" Jack nodded. Ianto frowned. "Why?"

"To talk."

"No," Ianto answered and his fingers gripped the edge of the counter behind him. "Why did you want to kill yourself?"

"Pretty much the same old reason: because it stops everything. At least for a while."

The coffee machine noisily released the last bit of coffee into the pot and Ianto turned around to switch it off. He poured two mugs and fixed them up the way he and Jack liked them, then he sat down opposite Jack and offered him his mug. Jack took a sip, feeling the warmth spread all the way down to his belly.

Ianto looked at him thoughtfully. There was still a bit of anger in his eyes. "You want everything to stop?"

Jack realized that Ianto was doing the same Jack had done for him during his suspension: he turned Jack's answers into new questions, keeping him talking.

He shook his head with a bitter smile. "You can get pretty tired of life when it never ends, Ianto." Silence hung above the table for a minute or two, then Jack explained, "In 1941, Tosh and I met that soldier, Captain Jack Harkness."

Ianto nodded. "Tosh gave us a brief report of what happened. You took on his name."

"Yes. A long time ago." When he'd still been cocky and young and mortal. All that had changed when a girl had fallen into his arms, all wild blonde hair and sparkling eyes.

Ianto fidgeted uncomfortably, before he asked, "You fell in love with him?"

Jack was startled by the question. "Is that what Tosh said?" Ianto didn't answer or nod, but his silence was answer enough. Jack sighed deeply. He couldn't blame Tosh for thinking that, but… "Not really. I… I admired him." Ianto looked at Jack as if he'd grown a second head. Jack shrugged. "He was everything I always wanted to be: a hero, a good leader, someone who would risk everything just to be who they are, no secrets, no lies. That's what attracted me to him. I didn't fall in love, but if I had stayed longer in '41, if he wouldn't have died the next day – it could have developed into love." Ianto's eyes slid away and he sipped his coffee. Jack could tell that he'd hurt Ianto somehow and he wished back for the easy companionship between the two of them, the understanding that always seemed to come so naturally. He sighed. "I've been a liar pretty much all of my life, Ianto. In some capacity, I always had to hold something of myself back. Because bad things happen if people know everything about you."

Ianto stared into his mug. "You know everything about me."

"I'm pretty sure that's not true."

Ianto looked up, eyes sharp. "I was suspended. I wanted to make everything right again and you asked me to be honest with you. So everything about me that I know… you know."

Jack swallowed. "Ianto-"

"It was part of the reason I got so angry at you when I found out about you not dying. We spent nights just… talking about Lisa and Torchwood One and ourselves. And you never mentioned it. Not even once."

Jack leaned back in his chair. "I'm sorry. I wish you would have never found out-"

"You don't understand me," Ianto answered and got up to pour his coffee down the drain. "I wanted to know. I wish you would have told me."

"Why?"

Ianto turned around to him. "Because I want to understand you."

"Why?" Jack asked again curiously. Ianto turned away and washed out the mug. Jack felt something lurking beneath the surface of the walls Ianto had so carefully constructed over the last few days. He saw it in the way Ianto moved, the way his shoulders tensed and the way he clutched the mug. Jack got up and joined Ianto at the sink. He carefully put his hands on Ianto's shoulders, not sure if would be rejected. Ianto froze but didn't shrug him off. Jack dug his fingers into tense muscles and stepped closer to melt against Ianto's back, his hands sliding down to fold on Ianto's belly. "Tell me why."

"No," Ianto answered.

"Why not?" Jack wanted to know.

Ianto turned around pressed his lips against Jack's. After the last few days of evasion, Jack was mildly surprised by the gesture, but quick to recover. He stepped closer to push Ianto back against the counter and one of his hands went down hitch up Ianto's hoodie and trace the waistband of his jeans.

Ianto turned his head to the side, breaking away gently, and he kissed Jack's cheek. Then he whispered, "Because it's rejection waiting to happen."

Jack heard the unspoken answer.

'Because I like you more than I should.'

He took a step back, not sure what to think about that. "We said there would be no strings attached."

"I'm not good at casual."

"Well," Jack answered, "there's a surprise – that's one thing you didn't tell me."

Ianto ducked his head. "I didn't know. I had no idea until I found you dead."

The air in the room was becoming thin, starting to choke Jack. He had to get out. "I'm leaving."

Ianto frowned at him. "You don't have to-"

"I'm leaving this planet." He saw something within Ianto break. His face remained neutral but his eyes gave him away again. And Jack hated Ianto in that moment for causing him to put that hurt in his eyes. And he hated him for making this complicated, for turning a perfectly fine friendship with benefits into the equivalent of a field full of landmines.

"When?"

"I don't know. Soon, maybe."

"For how long?"

"Forever." He closed his eyes. "I'm from the 51st century, I'm stranded here and I can't breathe in this time, Ianto. I'm suffocating. The Doctor will come and take me away. He fixed my life once – he can do it again." He opened his eyes.

Ianto was staring at him in confusion. "What about us?"

"You?" Jack asked and put his hands on his hips. "Don't you understand? Everything I do, everyone I know… the way I am now, you're..." He turned away and sighed deeply, looking for the right words. "… Torchwood, the team, you… you're all a blip in time for me."

"A blip in time?" Ianto echoed. Jack turned back around to him. Ianto's arms were crossed. He looked unbearably sad.

"You see?" Jack asked bitterly. "Knowing stuff about me just makes you miserable."

"Well," Ianto answered, "now, I certainly know where your priorities lie." He stared at Jack angrily. "Not with Torchwood or the team… because we are just here and then," he snapped his fingers, a sharp noise in the otherwise quiet kitchen, "gone again. Meaningless."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes, you did. Because that's how you see the world. Because that's how you make it right not to trust anyone. You're putting all your faith in one man and what if he abandons you? What if he won't fix you? What if he can't?"

"As if you don't do the same!" Jack answered heatedly, hating that Ianto was voicing his deepest fears. "You put all your trust into me, thinking that I can fix you or that I'll be able to fill the hole that Lisa left behind, just because you can't stand the thought of being alone or the feeling of not being needed. Guess what, I can't. I won't. I don't even know if I would want to."

Silence crashed into the kitchen.

Jack swallowed, realizing what he'd said. "Ianto-"

"Don't," Ianto interrupted him. "You're right. Just like Owen was… apparently." He smiled bitterly. "I shouldn't have shot him." He got Jack's mug from the kitchen table and rinsed it out. "I guess we're done here."

His rejection hurt, but, Jack reminded himself, it was what he'd wanted, right? Ianto shouldn't become attached to him, because he was leaving and it would only hurt more… so he nodded. "I guess we are." He turned to leave.

"Jack," Ianto said and he stopped, "leave a note when you go away. Just so we know…"

Jack answered, "I can't promise you that."

And left.


END
10/11

Silence Lived With Us Instead Of You
Lyrics 'Verse Masterlist

Comments

( 67 comments — Leave a comment )
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space_monkey52
Nov. 3rd, 2011 01:45 pm (UTC)
Wow. That was incredibly angsty. Very well written, but very sad. :(
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you. It was supposed to be.
marzipan77
Nov. 3rd, 2011 02:38 pm (UTC)
Ouch. This is unutterably sad. Can I kick Jack in the nuts now, please? I'm sure his brain is in there somewhere and he'll thank me later! What?? Harsh, you say??

Please keep writing this series - it's beautiful.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :) And I think both Jack and Ianto could have handled that situation better but they're so messed up - I love them for it.
nancybrown
Nov. 3rd, 2011 02:47 pm (UTC)
Ooo, this is shaping up to be an interesting series!
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :)
cb_eaglemaniac
Nov. 3rd, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC)
Very sad, but very realistic - as usual! I can easily see this unfolding as canon. Can't wait for the next instalment; thanks for sharing! =)
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you for reading. :)
fide_et_spe
Nov. 3rd, 2011 03:41 pm (UTC)
OK, well Jack's a wanker. Thing is though, I can imagine him saying these things, it's very in character. It's all so ambiguous in canon that you can have it either way, I don't like to think Jack is a total bastard who can't even come up with some kind words, but somehow I suspect that if you continue this series he won't be all that bad.

He's clearly never heard of "It's not you, it's me"!
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:19 pm (UTC)
I think Jack gets very defensive when he feels vulnerable and then he gets really mean. He's not a bad guy, I utterly adore him, but he has his flaws and being impulsive is one of them.
rabecka
Nov. 3rd, 2011 04:36 pm (UTC)
Um... yeah. Defenses engaged, full speed ahead. Great lead-in to what we saw in EOD.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:19 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :)
larsinger29
Nov. 3rd, 2011 04:53 pm (UTC)
Oh holy hell was that powerful! I mean, damn. One of my favorite aspects of this story was the slow build up to the end. The tension steadily mounts as these two talk out their issues, until it erupts with Jack's proclamation. You really did a great job pacing this piece to maximize the impact of that statement and drive home the mood.

I also really like how well this fits in with the events of the episodes. With this bit of background, Ianto's actions make even more sense in "End of Days" (as to trusting Lisa), as well as Jack's (having Gwen go with him if he was still upset with Ianto, leaving without a note perhaps). You've given some plausible reasons for their actions and reactions. And you teased out so well the underlying tensions and issues between the two in this period of time.

I'm really so glad you've decided to continue this 'verse! I look forward to seeing what happens in your future stories (especially the reunion between Jack and Ianto in light of the events of this story--I have no doubts you will make that just as impacting, if not moreso). Terrific job!
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) Yeah, Ianto (and Tosh) being part of the mutiny never really made that much sense to me. So I tired to explain it a bit. Jack taking Gwen with him, though: I always think it's because she has more field experience than Ianto and Owen is the doctor of the team (so he shouldn't be in harms way if possible) and Jack shields Tosh whenever he can.
(no subject) - larsinger29 - Nov. 3rd, 2011 08:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
sandysan2013
Nov. 3rd, 2011 05:33 pm (UTC)
Wow! I'm unable to be more coherent just now.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:23 pm (UTC)
:) Thanks.
too_beauty
Nov. 3rd, 2011 06:58 pm (UTC)
really looking forward to reading another story in this verse! pretty please????
jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:23 pm (UTC)
I'm working on it. :)
iolo1234
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:35 pm (UTC)
Hooray a story which has Jack as the bastard he could be. Reminds me of the conversation that Jack and Ianto had after Jack confessed that he'd given the children to the 456. Do we ever truely know all about Jack and we know that Ianto told lies - sort of.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:09 am (UTC)
Thank you.
Jack can be a bastard if he feels defensive. Actually, that scene in CoE showed that better than any other situation.
evalentine99
Nov. 3rd, 2011 07:41 pm (UTC)
Wow that was incredibly sad loved every word. Thank you for sharing. This was brilliant. Loved the moment of realisation for Ianto that Owen was right. Ianto is actually nothing to Jack just someone to be used for fulfill his own needs. A very painful realisation.

The last line is so powerful and so Jack he can't promise anything because that is Jack. He is in limbo and has nothing he is willing to give even something as simple as a note.

Wonderful!
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:09 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)
(Deleted comment)
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:10 am (UTC)
Thanks. :)
welsh_scotsman
Nov. 3rd, 2011 09:35 pm (UTC)
Oh very nice. I just love the whole conversational piece. it is so well worded and has so many great one liners and responses. also, i specifically noticed the bit about ianto and the team being a blip in time and that could link into one of the radio plays with ianto saying that. very clever.:P
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:10 am (UTC)
Thank you.
I used the "blip in time" reference for that very reason. :)
oh_my_janto
Nov. 3rd, 2011 09:49 pm (UTC)
You just fucking killed me. In the best possible way. More angst please?
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:11 am (UTC)
Thanks. :)
pharlap1
Nov. 4th, 2011 01:42 am (UTC)
loved it
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:11 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)
twilighthdfan
Nov. 4th, 2011 02:10 am (UTC)
Jack you ass! Although that seems to be his MO, attacking when he feels vulnerable. But poor Ianto, thinking that Owen was right all along.

Great fic. Can't wait for more in this verse. :)
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:12 am (UTC)
Thanks. And, yeah, Jack gets pretty mean when he feels vulnerable. He's more sensitive in a way than one might think at first glance.
sammydragoncat
Nov. 4th, 2011 02:12 am (UTC)
Great fic - really sad, but great.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:12 am (UTC)
Thanks. :)
jsks
Nov. 4th, 2011 03:00 am (UTC)
bad jack.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:12 am (UTC)
:)
jo02
Nov. 4th, 2011 03:47 am (UTC)

This was fantastic: great writing, and I loved the angst.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:13 am (UTC)
Thanks. :)
chironsgirl
Nov. 4th, 2011 04:53 am (UTC)
Poor Ianto has had his worse fears confirmed. And Jack is closing himself off from that human touch that keeps him grounded and sane. Idiot.
XOXOXOXO
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:13 am (UTC)
Idiot indeed. :)
lone_star_woman
Nov. 4th, 2011 05:47 am (UTC)
His rejection hurt, but, Jack reminded himself, it was what he'd wanted, right?

I really liked that line. It made me feel that there was some hope for Jack and that he wasn't an utter bastard.

But, still. I feel Ianto's pain after he realized that his worst fear was true.

Wonderfully written.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:14 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)
bluelilacs
Nov. 4th, 2011 07:17 am (UTC)
This just furthers the emotional rollercoaster the boys are on with each other in that they both feel more for the other than they want to feel or want to admit to, to themselves, much less to each other. I think the strength of their feelings surprises and scares them in equal measure, and neither knows how to handle it. I don't think Jack really means to be the bastard he comes off as. He's frightened of caring about anyone because he knows he's going to lose them and he tries to protect himself from the pain of that by throwing up barriers.
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 10:14 am (UTC)
That's exactly what I was going for. :)
badly_knitted
Nov. 4th, 2011 04:56 pm (UTC)
Ouch ouch ouch! Sometimes I could easily hate Jack. I don't care that he's been waiting more than a hundred years for the Doctor, he has no business making the people around, the people who believe in him and trust him, feel worthless, as if they don't matter because he has no intention of sticking around. He's doing to them what the Doctor did to him - making them care and rely on him, before just abandoning them without a word or a second's thought. Jack doesn't deserve their loyalty any more than the Doctor deserved his!
jolinarjackson
Nov. 4th, 2011 05:05 pm (UTC)
Thanks for reading, though. ;)
jedirita
Nov. 5th, 2011 04:24 am (UTC)
Oooh, nice set-up for the season finale. I mean "nice" in the "twisting knife in the gut" kind of way.

I want so badly for them to kiss and make up, but that's the whole point - something is ruptured between them at the end of the season, something so that when Jack comes back to life, he kisses Ianto in front of everyone. Oh, I love how complicated and angsty it all is.

Well done, as always!
jolinarjackson
Nov. 5th, 2011 10:29 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)
jml139
Nov. 5th, 2011 08:01 am (UTC)

I absolutely loved this. Excellent work as always. Everything was so spot on with their emotions, thoughts and reactions towards each other. I felt sorry for Jack and hated him so much at the same time. I'm loving this 'verse a lot. It's explaining and correlating with the episodes so well. I can't wait for more! In the meantime, I'll just have to reread this again! :)

jolinarjackson
Nov. 5th, 2011 10:30 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)
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