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Between John and a hard place

Word Count: 2.317
Summary: Ianto shifted his position and something hard dug into his thigh. ”Dear God.” John answered, ”It's my gun, I swear.”
Characters: Ianto Jones, John Hart, Jack Harkness, Toshiko Sato
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Ianto/John Hart (unrequited)
Rating: R (for sexual innuendo and talk about sex)
Spoiler: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Something borrowed
Setting: Season 2 - after Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Warnings: Language
Author's Note: This plot bunny was annoying me to no end until I gave in and wrote it down. I don't know where it came from and it has been a while since I wrote something like this – something funny – but it had to be done.
Feedback: Can’t breathe without it.
Disclaimer: I’m not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.


“Would you please move your hand away?“

“Do I have to?“


“A shame.“ John Hart sighed deeply and moved his hand away from Ianto's behind, placing it on his waist instead. In the light of his torch, Ianto could see John smile. “I can see why Jack likes you.“ His hand traced a line from Ianto's waist to his thigh, then inched towards his crotch.

“Don't even think about it.“

“Where should I put my hands, eye candy? It's not as if I have many options left, you know?“

“On the wall behind me,“ Ianto said.

John smirked and leaned closer to Ianto, pinning his body to the wall.

Ianto grimaced. “Let me re-phrase that. On the wall behind you.“

”You're no fun.”

”I can't believe that you are able to think about sex right now.”

”Oh, please - trapped in a small space with a cute guy here.”


”Okay, hot.” He leaned towards Ianto with his upper body and breathed in. ”Oh, goody! I can even smell Jack on you. It's like a threesome in here.”

Ianto pounded against the wall then. ”Get us out of here!”

”We're doing what we can!” Jack answered, his voice muffled by the walls enclosing Ianto and John.

The archivist rolled his eyes.

Ever since John had magically appeared a few hours ago, he'd known that the day was ruined. As if his week hadn't been bad enough already with Jack and him fighting about every little thing just to avoid fighting about the real issue between them.

John had claimed to have found a transportation unit in Splott that was able to transport passengers through the Rift - and why was it always Splott? - and that he needed their help to get it to work.

Ianto wondered why they had been even considering it, since John would find a way to steal the transportation unit as soon as they would know how to use it.

But Jack was practically throwing his trust John's way even after his ex-lover had pushed him off a building during their last meeting.

It annoyed Ianto to no end. It annoyed him even more that the transportation unit turned out to be a smooth-walled box a little bigger than him but definitely not large enough to stand comfortably in it with a horny conman. It annoyed him that he'd been the one Jack had assigned to check out the interior walls to find the controls that, according to Tosh, had to be hidden somewhere. Tosh had checked the outside and the rest of the team had secured the abandoned warehouse the transportation unit was standing in.

John had promised that the controls able to manipulate the Rift were hidden in the walls. And when he'd entered behind Ianto to demonstrate that two people could fit in, the door had closed, sealing them in.

”Stop sniffing me.”

John sighed. ”Why don't you like me?”

Ianto widened his eyes in disbelief. ”That's a joke, right?”


”You held a gun to my head.”

”I wouldn't have shot. Please, as if I would be able to shoot a pretty guy like you. But I considered to step into that elevator with you, you know. We could have ... gone down.” His eyes twinkled, Ianto blushed and the box jerked.

Ianto cursed softly. ”What are they doing out there?”

”Wondering what we're doing in here. At least Jack is. Let's make him jealous.”

”Let's not,” Ianto answered.

”Don't be such a spoilsport. We'll be likely trapped in here for another few hours.”


”Let's make the best of it. It can't get any worse.”

Then it did.

The box jerked again and Ianto hit his head on the wall when it toppled over so that he was now lying on his back, John's weight on him.


Tosh's voice called, ”Sorry!”

Ianto pushed at John's chest with his hands. ”Get off me.”

”I can't. Your wall is the floor now. I can do many things but I can't float.”

Ianto shifted his position and something hard dug into his thigh. ”Dear God.”

John answered, ”It's my gun, I swear.” He grimaced. ”This is uncomfortable.” He pushed at Ianto's knee.

”Ouch! Stop it.”

”Let me just ...” He pushed at Ianto's knees and thighs, wriggled and with a last push his body settled between Ianto's legs. He froze with a dirty grin. ”Oh, my! Way better.”

Ianto closed his eyes. ”Please tell me that's your gun again.”

”No such luck, eye candy.”

Ianto tried to close his legs, but John had him pinned.

”Get out from in-between my legs.”

”But I can't lie on your legs. I'll get bruises from your knees and it hurts.”

”I swear that something else will hurt if you don't get out from in-between my legs right this second.”

”Eye candy ...” John looked at him with a serious expression. ”I think we'll be spending some quality time with each other. We should accept that. It kills me to make that promise but I won't do anything else than just lying here.”

Ianto stared at him.

”I promise,” John said. ”You may believe it or not but I want my partners to want me. I'm not going to molest you. No matter how desperate I'll get.”


John wriggled.

”Hey, I felt that!” Ianto said.


”You wriggled.”

”I'm uncomfortable.”

”You can still lie on my legs if you want to.”

”No, no, it's okay.”

”Then stop wriggling. I can feel that you're still hard, you know? Wriggling won't help with that. Wriggling is molesting. You promised.”

”My promises mean nothing, eye candy. You should know that.”

”Want a knee in your groin?”

John laughed. ”Please, you can't even reach my groin with your knee.”

”I'm creative.”

”I bet. You have to be since Jack's still with you.”

Ianto avoided John's eyes.

The captain grinned. ”Uh-oh! Do I detect trouble in paradise?”

”I'm not going to talk about that with you.”

”Why not? We have time to kill. It would distract me from molesting you.”

”Find another way.”


“I'm so hungry.”

“Me, too,” Ianto sighed.

Jack's voice penetrated the walls. “Still working on it!”

“It doesn't help that he points that out every half an hour.” John's head dropped onto Ianto's shoulder.

The archivist didn't object. Given the current situation of his lower body half, he could hardly complain about John's head on his chest. At least the captain's erection had wilted away by now.

“So, are you and Jack fighting?”

“Still not talking about it.”

John sighed. “I'm so hungry.”


“So, I told her that no, she couldn't take my dog with her. You know, it was my dog.”

Ianto rolled his eyes.

“But she wouldn't listen. She kept saying that we had gotten the dog together and she was going to keep him and that was the day that I decided that relationships with women from the 21st century suck.”

Ianto sighed in relief when the story came to an end.

John paused for a minute.

“Not that the women from my century are any better. You see ...”


“I spy something dark.”

“The wall.”

“Damn! Right again.”


“I told Owen again and again that the filing system isn't called system just out of fun. There is ... a system.”

“Eye candy?”




Ianto had fallen asleep a few minutes ago. John stared at his face, relaxed in sleep and smiled. He wriggled.

“Stop it!” Ianto said.


John grinned, “I feel interest from your neither regions.”

“In your dreams.”

“Okay, then it's my neither regions again.”

“Oh, joy!”


“Get us out of here!”


They banged against the walls with every extremity available, until there were impatient banging sounds from the other side.

“Working on it!”


“So, were you a virgin before Jack came along?”

Ianto looked at John incredulously. “No!” he said.

“Girl or boy?”

“Girls. You notice the s? More than one. Girls. I'm not as boring as you seem to think I am.”

“Girls,” John said. “But no boys.”

Ianto rolled his eyes. “No.”

“So you were a virgin.”

Ianto sighed. “I can't believe I'm talking with you about that.”

“I bet he trained you well. I bet you love to be fucked but I think you're a pushy bottom. I bet you're an animal in bed, calling him 'sir'. It's always the quiet ones.”

“Dear God. I'm trapped in a porn movie.”


“Let me fuck you.”


“Just a bit.”


“I'm bored.”



“A snog then?”



“You know, he was an ass! As soon as we left the time bubble it was 'Bye, John' and off he went. As if our time together was nothing to him.” John sighed. “Next time I saw him was a year later.”

“Hm,” Ianto said and more out of boredom than anything else asked, “So did you ignore him? Get your revenge that way?”

“We fucked.”

“The next best thing,” Ianto said.


John sighed. “I'm hungry. And I have to pee.”

Ianto rolled his eyes. It was quiet for a minute.

“I'm horny.”

“This is a nightmare,” Ianto said.


“What did you two fight about?” John asked.

“We didn't fight,” Ianto answered.

“Please ... the way he looked at you and you at him. You fought. Did he break your heart?”

Ianto turned his head away. “I really don't want to talk about this with you of all people.”

“Why not? He broke my heart, too.”

“He didn't break my heart.”

John smiled sadly. “He will.”


“I know that he's a flirt. I know that.”

“Doesn't make it easier, right?” John asked.

“I want him to be with me. But I think he's still interested someone other.”

“The skinny brunette, right?”

Ianto looked at him in surprise.

John shrugged. “I'm not blind. There was something between them the first time I came here. There's still something now. To be honest, I think the Asian girl is cuter. Or that doctor.”

“She's going to get married soon. And it makes him sad. He doesn't even hide that from me.”

“Did he tell you that you're exclusive?”

Ianto raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. We ... well, not really. We're not even official you know. I mean, the others know but we never really said. They kind of assumed and we kind of didn't deny it.”

“A dirty little secret?”

“I wouldn't call it that. We're going out on dates. Into fancy restaurants, the movies, whatever ...” Ianto sighed. “But ... it's my fault, really.”


“I'm a bit insecure. I don't know. I get nervous when we're in public. He says that I'm pushing him away.”

“You're scared. Because you'd be gay then.”

“I'm not gay. Not really. It's just Jack. Not men. It's ... just Jack.”

“Keep telling yourself that, eye candy. I know this century. Believe me. And I can understand why you do what you do. But you gotta stop that. Jack's all about showing how you feel. So take his hand or kiss him senseless in a restaurant or dance with him on the wedding of that pretty brunette thing. Show her that he's not an option any more. It won't stop the flirting, because that's just Jack, but at least he knows who to come home to.” John sighed. “I can't believe I'm advising you on your relationship with Jack.”

“I can't believe I'm listening.”

They smiled at each other. John buried a hand in Ianto's hair. Before the younger man could object, John was kissing him softly, tenderly. “It's a shame, really,” John whispered against Ianto's lips. “I could have taken you to places you've never seen before.”

Ianto shook his head. “I'm quite comfortable on Earth.”

“I'm not talking about landscapes.” John rolled his hips against Ianto's. Their groins came into contact and Ianto gasped.

Suddenly the panel next to them slipped to the side and revealed the entrance.

“A piece of cake,” Jack said, kneeling on the ground and crouching down to look inside. “Hey there!”

“Thank God,” Ianto said.

He reached out a hand and after Jack had pulled John out, he helped Ianto, embracing him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Ianto answered.

Jack kissed him softly.

John pouted. “I'm fine, too. Thanks for asking.”

Jack glared at him.

Tosh spoke up. “It isn't a Rift transportation device by the way. It's an escape pod that belonged to a ship. It's useless now.”

“Great,” John sighed. “Just great. Worthless alien junk and I didn't get to fuck eye candy. My day gets better and better. Well, it has been fun, boys and girls, but I gotta run.” He grinned at Ianto. “Think about what I said.” With that he opened the Rift and was gone.

Jack looked questioningly at Ianto. “What? What did he say?”

Ianto shook his head. “It's not important.” He sighed. “We were just talking.”


Complete Fanfiction Masterlist


( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
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Aug. 14th, 2010 05:49 pm (UTC)
I'm really glad you wrote this! It made me laugh in so many places,and then it was also actually really sweet in others.
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) I wrote it a while ago but was hesitant about posting it. I didn't know if it was any good. But now I'm glad. :)
Aug. 14th, 2010 06:15 pm (UTC)
Oh, this is excellent! I love your characterisation of John- horny bastard, but with just the tiniest suggestion of a heart :) Lovely!
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you. He's not that bad. :)

PS: I love your Icon.
(no subject) - lepetitpirate - Aug. 15th, 2010 05:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 14th, 2010 06:22 pm (UTC)

Lovely! I adored their banter in the elevator and John's wistfulness at Ianto's future.
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:07 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :)
Aug. 14th, 2010 08:06 pm (UTC)
And I remember the line from the Stargate SG-1 episode Solitudes...
"It's my sidearm, I swear."
But as much as I love Jack O'Neill I think I prefer it with Ianto and John!!

Aug. 15th, 2010 03:09 pm (UTC)
Funny thing is, the line was inspired by that quote. I'm a 'Gate girl at heart. :)

Thanks for the review.
Aug. 14th, 2010 08:32 pm (UTC)
This totally made me giggle
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:09 pm (UTC)
That was my intention. :)
Aug. 14th, 2010 09:49 pm (UTC)
I sort of loved John in this. He was obnoxious and adorable.

A sequel would be awesome too.
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you. A sequel? I'm glad I had the courage to post this one. :) But I'll think about it.
Aug. 14th, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
LOL!! I liked this!
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)
Aug. 15th, 2010 12:18 am (UTC)
This was great. Loved John offering advice.
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :)
Aug. 15th, 2010 12:20 am (UTC)
I adore John/Ianto fics. Especially when John is both agressive and sensitive.
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) Me too. Unfortunately, there are so few fics about them out there.
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:47 am (UTC)
even though I don't like John, he was quite helpful, after being a pest!
Aug. 15th, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
He's always a pest. :) Thank you for reading.
Aug. 15th, 2010 08:11 pm (UTC)
What a nightmare for Ianto, stuck in a very small space with John Hart!

Great snarky dialogue, very funny! =)
Aug. 16th, 2010 03:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)
Aug. 15th, 2010 11:33 pm (UTC)
This was awesome,awesome,awesome! *bouncing* ^^
Aug. 16th, 2010 03:39 pm (UTC)
:) Thanks.
Aug. 16th, 2010 02:59 pm (UTC)
Oh this was just fabulous! So in character for both of them, and funny and sweet, and want to hug it I love it so much. John and Ianto FTW. Nicely done.
Aug. 16th, 2010 03:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :) I'm glad you liked it.
Aug. 16th, 2010 06:41 pm (UTC)
This was hilarious, and yet serious at the same time. Jooles34 told me about this, and I'm really glad she did - it was really great.
Aug. 17th, 2010 03:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)
Oct. 5th, 2010 01:57 pm (UTC)
Another great fic. Amazing.
Oct. 5th, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC)
Again, thank you. :)
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( 37 comments — Leave a comment )