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Torchwood: Identity (Fanfiction)

Identity


Created by alt_universe_me 

Word Count: 3.900
Summary: Tosh and Ianto have an honest conversation about what sexual orientation means to them.
Characters: Toshiko Sato, Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Tosh/Mary (hinted), Ianto/Lisa Hallett (hinted), Tosh/Owen (unrequited), Gwen/Owen (hinted)
Rating: PG-13
Spoiler: Cyberwoman, Greeks bearing gifts, Fragments
Setting: after They keep killing Suzie
Author's Note: Written for Torchwood Females Are Awesome on tw_femficfest . Prompt from igrockspock : Tosh and Ianto have an honest conversation about what sexual orientation means to them.
Feedback: Can't breathe without it.
Beta: Vistin, who was there with just the right words to help me out. alt_universe_me , who fought her way through the English version.
Disclaimer: I’m not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

***
***


Tosh took a deep breath and smiled. This time of the day was perfect and she was looking forward to it quite regularly – to the silence in the Hub after a more or less tiring day. Owen and Gwen had already left, and Jack was sitting in his office to fill out the last forms - today to the gentle music of Glenn Miller playing on his old record player - and Ianto was doing his last round to clean up. Whenever it was just Jack, Ianto and her it felt as if the Hub was breathing a sigh of relief.

Tosh concentrated on her computer, humming softly to Moonlight Serenade. She didn't notice Jack behind her until he put a hand on her shoulder. Startled, she flinched and he squeezed gently – an apology – before cupping the back of her neck – calming and caring.

“Still working, Toshiko?“ he asked gently and she couldn't help but blush.

She was a bit embarrassed since she knew very well that Jack wasn't flirting. She smiled at him.

“I'm afraid so,“ she answered. “My boss is really strict.“

“I should have a word with him,“ Jack grinned. “A pretty young lady like yourself should be out at this time of night, looking for Mr. Perfect.“ He leaned down. The heady scent of his aftershave, leather and something unidentifiable was surrounding him and Tosh breathed it in. He kissed her cheek. “Or Mrs. Perfect.“

Tosh couldn't avoid wincing at that. Mrs. Perfect. Mary hadn't been the first woman she'd found just as attractive as men but until now, she'd managed to hide it. Her family was very traditional and Tosh didn't want to disappoint them.

She smiled faintly.

“You want to get rid of me?“

“You see right through me,“ Jack answered.

She swivelled her chair around to face him.

“What are you up to?“

He grinned and crossed his arms.

“A gentleman kisses and never tells.“

Toshiko laughed.

“As if you would bring someone down here, Jack. And I object to the use of the word 'gentleman'.“

He shrugged.

“Don't overdo it,“ he said.

“Okay,“ she said, nodding.

Jack turned away and headed for his office. A minute later, Ianto was standing beside her and put a mug on the desk.

“That's the last one for today. I'm off duty as of now.“

She nodded.

“See you tomorrow.“ Then her attention was back on her screen and she only noticed out of the corner of her eye that Ianto was entering Jack's office with a pile of folders in his hand.

***

Glenn Miller. Ianto raised his eyebrows when he stopped just inside Jack's office and closed the door.

“Why are you so fond of that song?“

Jack leaned back in his chair and grinned.

“Did you ever dance with a beautiful lady under the moon in front of Big Ben?“

Ianto acted as if he had to think about that question.

“I doubt it, sir.“

“That's your answer.“

“Cryptic as always. Aren't you getting tired of telling your stories by halves?“

Jack's gaze caressed Ianto's body for a moment.

“I tell you something I'll never get tired of.“

Ianto held up the folders.

“Forms?“ He put the folders on the desk.

“You're psychic, right?“ Jack sighed, irritated.

Ianto opened the first folder.

“Signature.“

Then the next.

“Initials.“

And the last.

“Signature and date.“ He took the pen from Jack's fingers. “Done.“ He cupped the back of Jack's head with one hand and pulled him into a deep kiss that Jack answered greedily.

Jack broke the kiss after a minute and muttered, “Well, that makes filling out forms so much more rewarding.“

Ianto rolled his eyes.

“Always needing to have the last word.“

Jack shrugged and tried to pull Ianto onto his lap, but he shook his head.

“Not here.“ His eyes found the door. “Tosh is still here.“

“Okay, Mr. Jones.“

Jack got up, stretched and wound one arm around Ianto's hips. He caught Ianto's wrist with his other hand and intertwined their fingers.

“Dance with me?“ Slowly, he moved to the music.

Ianto laughed.

“I'm afraid I'm not a good dancer.“

“And here I thought there's nothing you can't do.“ He shut off the music without letting go of Ianto and then used his free hand to loosen Ianto's tie. Ianto's arms settled around Jack's hips and one of his hands brushed Jack's arse, seemingly accidental, but very much on purpose. He kissed Jack and wondered when it had become so natural for him to be with the captain. He'd never been interested in other men before, but Jack was different.

Jack dropped the tie and opened the hatch to his quarters. He waited for Ianto to climb down the ladder and glanced at Tosh, who was still engrossed in her work, before he followed him and closed the hatch.

***

Tosh cleared out the dishwasher and then opened one of the cupboards to look for Oreos. She caught a glimpse of the cookies and stretched to try and reach them. With a irritated sigh, she accepted that she was too small, and was just pondering if she should use a chair or climb onto the counter when soft steps approached. Somebody reached over her shoulder and handed her the cookies. Tosh turned around and was surprised when it wasn't Jack standing in front of her. Ianto smiled and fetched a bottle of water from the fridge. He wasn't wearing a suit, but comfy clothes, and he was barefoot. He looked like a different person.

“Ianto,“ she said, confused. “What are you still doing here?“

He opened the bottle and took a sip.

“I could ask you the same. It's 2am.“

“I forgot the time,“ she said. “You told me that you were done for the day and that was hours ago.“

He smiled and walked back into the main Hub to sit on the couch. Tosh settled down next to him. She opened the pack and took one of the cookies before offering it to Ianto. He shook his head. Tosh shrugged.

“I was working,“ she explained. “What's your excuse?“

Ianto seemed to hesitate. His eyes flew to Jack's office and then he ducked his head. Tosh noticed that the hatch to Jack's bedroom was open. Ianto avoided her eyes and Tosh remembered that she'd seen him heading for Jack's office. A long time ago. In his suit. Her eyes widened in disbelief.

“Oh my God!“ she said. “Really? Ianto?“

He nodded and she clapped a hand over her mouth. He stared at her pleadingly.

“Don't tell Gwen and Owen, okay?“

She shook her head.

“Of course not. I just thought … oh my God! You and Jack? I thought you … I didn't know that you … you're into guys too.“

“It's not like that,“ he answered hastily, blushed and bit his bottom lip. “That sounds like a lie.“

“I can't believe it. But ...“ She grimaced. “I can. That explains a lot.“

“What do you mean?“ he asked.

“Sometimes, the two of you seem like you're part of your own private club. It's as if you can read each other's thoughts. And … call it female intuition but I just knew that there's something between you. And Owen and Suzie gossiped. I just thought … after Lisa ...“

He shrugged and ducked his head. Tosh got comfy on the couch, pulling her legs up onto the cushions, and looked at him curiously.

“How is it?“

He blushed again, but asked, “What do you mean?“

“With Jack.“

“You want details?“

“Oh God, no,“ she laughed. “Please don't. But … I don't know. He's so …“ She stopped helplessly.

Ianto took a deep breath and sipped on his water before he seemed to come to a decision. He put the bottle on the table and turned to the side to face her, pulling his legs up, too. He gave her a small smile.

“Fantastic.“

She laughed. Ianto grinned.

“Almost …“ He was looking for the right words and she suggested, “Bordering on the avant-garde?“

He smiled.

“You could say that.“

“An adventure?“

“Most of the time.“

“Oh, my God!“ She was the one blushing now and laughed. “Owen would have a fit.“

Ianto got serious all of a sudden.

“Don't tell him. Don't tell anybody, okay? It's not … it's not official.“ He glanced over his shoulder to Jack's office as if he was afraid that the captain would eavesdrop. Tosh could imagine just how Owen would react to this. Someone as private about his life as Ianto would not want him to know.

She touched Ianto's knee and squeezed gently.

“Sure.“ She sighed. “Kind of amazing that you were able to keep it a secret.“

“I erased everything caught on CCTV and most of the time, we're in Jack's bedroom – no cameras down there,“ he explained.

“I didn't notice,“ Tosh said, frowning.

“Because I didn't want you to,“ he answered with a shrug.

Tosh grinned.

“Well, that answers the mystery of Jack's sexuality.“

He was smiling now.

“Jack's open for everything.“

“I wonder how he does that,“ Tosh said sadly. “I wish I could do that.“

Ianto leaned forward and lowered his voice, making their words more intimate, like those things only friends talked about.

“So that thing with Mary was … real?“

She smiled a bit helplessly and nodded. He shook his head and avoided her eyes.

“I'm sorry, I … Mary was manipulative. You never mentioned before that you were attracted to women too and I thought ...“

Tosh sighed.

“I could keep lying to myself but that would be wrong. Mary was real. I liked her. A lot.“

“I'm sorry.“ He wasn't talking about his earlier words any more.

Tosh nodded.

“It's not your fault that she's dead. It's not even Jack's. She betrayed me … I'm a bit confused ...“ She rested her elbow on the back of the couch. “She crept into my life and told me things that … but I miss her. What I felt … feel for her, it's real. I'm attracted to men and women.“ She shook her head. “This is the first time I'm openly admitting it.“

He seemed to think about that.

“Are you scared?“

“Not really because of the fact that I am. But … I'm scared of the reactions of the people. I mean, Mary kissed me no matter where we were but I felt … uncomfortable. Watched.“

“Maybe you just have to get used to it.“

She shrugged.

“Maybe.“ She supported her head on her hand. “She kissed me in a café and after that … I didn't mind so much any more. It was a lie but … Mary helped me out in a way. I have reason to thank her. For more than one thing.“

Ianto just kept looking at her, waiting for her to give an explanation. Tosh brushed a few crumbs from her jeans and said, “I could hear your thoughts. Owen and Gwen's thoughts ...“

Ianto ducked his head.

“Oh!“ He nodded.

Tosh asked, “You know?“

“I saw them … down in the basement.“

“Without the pendant, I would've never had known,“ Tosh said.

“It bothers you.”

“Because of Owen,“ she admitted.

“I'm sorry,“ Ianto said softly.

Tosh smiled.

“Not your fault again.“ She shook her head. “It's not as if he feels the same. I would've heard if … Mary's thoughts were different. Not pitying or demeaning.“ She realized how that must sound to Ianto and hastily explained, “But that wasn't the reason I got involved with her. I'm not … I'm not that pathetic yet. But it did help her.“

Ianto took her hand, that was still resting on the back of the couch, and squeezed gently.

“Owen doesn't pity you. He's … I'm sure he thinks just like he talks. He likes you.“

“Mary said the same thing.“

“But you shouldn't let him get in the way,“ Ianto explained. His thumb brushed over the back of her hand. “Mary was good for you. You should grab the next chance you get and not think about Owen or if he's going to change his mind one day. You should find someone for you. And even more important: There someone out there who's just waiting for you.“ He smiled.

Toshiko turned her head away shyly.

“You're right.“

“I'm always right.“

She laughed then she grew serious again.

“Did it ever cross your mind that we ...“ She shook her head but he pulled her hand closer and cradled it with his own.

He smiled sadly.

“Us two? That wouldn't be fair to you.“

“Because you have feelings for Jack?“

He let go of her hand and ducked his head. Instead of looking at her, he was staring at his thumb that was drawing circles into the threadbare couch and he was frowning. Tosh thought that he would end the conversation but then he said, “It's too much sometimes. I … I don't know what it is I'm feeling. I'm scared ...“ He stopped and swallowed thickly.

Tosh moved closer to him until their knees were touching and leaned in.

“That you could fall in love with him?“

He didn't look at her, rubbed his forehead, muttered “Maybe” and Tosh knew that it was too late.

“Ianto,“ she sighed.

“I don't know why … it's just that I tried, you know?“ He shrugged. “I tried looking at other guys and … I feel nothing. It's only Jack.“ He laughed softly. “All my life, I thought that I was attracted only to women. There never was even a hint of interest … and Jack wasn't the first guy ever who flirted with me.“

Tosh squeezed his hand.

“Maybe you need an emotional bond, you know, to feel something. Some people don't love based on gender.“

“Maybe I'm stopping myself from being attracted,“ he said, “because part of me doesn't want to be, not after … Lisa.“

“I think you just need some time. Did you try to talk about your feelings with Jack?“

He laughed bitterly.

“It's not that kind of relationship. We're not dating. We're not a couple.“

Pain tainted his words and Tosh sighed deeply.

“Ianto ...“

“That's alright,“ he nodded, smiling at her. It was false. “I didn't ask for anything other than that and he didn't offer.“ He shrugged. “That's all.“

“Well, just because you're not asking for it doesn't mean that you don't want it.“

Ianto shook his head. Tosh insisted, “You're not happy.“

He raised his head to look at her.

“I'm fine.“

“Really?“ She took his hand. “Ianto?“ He stared at her questioningly and Tosh let go of his hand. “Owen and Gwen's thoughts weren't the only ones I heard.“

His eyes widened in understanding.

“Oh! How bad was it?“

“Bad enough.“

He shook his head.

“They were just fleeting thoughts. Don't worry.“

“I have to,“ Tosh answered. “Ianto, you're unhappy. I'm glad you found someone but I don't think that Jack's the right person.“

“Tosh-“

“You're unhappy,“ she repeated. “Are you sure this thing with Jack isn't dragging you down?“

He looked at her, determined.

“This thing with Jack is the only thing keeping me sane.“ He closed his eyes and swallowed before he explained, “I have … phases where it gets hard to breathe. And … to eat. Everything gets too much.“

She nodded.

He continued, “Jack's helping me. I can turn to him when it's getting too bad.“

“He's good with things like that,“ Tosh said, remembering her nightmares after Jack had freed her from the UNIT prison and that she'd been free to call him whenever she'd needed to. He'd always made time to talk to her or to visit.

“But he doesn't make you happy,“ she said softly.

Helplessly, Ianto stared at her.

“I can't ask him for more than we already have. He doesn't want that. And maybe that makes me the … the cheap office shag but ...“

Tosh shook her head.

“I don't think that he sees it that way. Jack's always showing off but I don't think that he's as shallow as he likes to pretend he is.“ She tilted her head. “How did this thing between you start?“

He shrugged.

“Loneliness, maybe.“ He rubbed his forehead. “On both our sides. It started a few weeks ago. Before that it was just …“ He stopped, staring at Tosh hesitantly, and then he explained, “Before that it was just a distraction. Because of Lisa.“ He seemed to be searching for something in her eyes – maybe disgust or anger – but Tosh just nodded. “After that … we talked a lot. In my flat during the suspension and when I returned to work. A few weeks ago, we started sleeping together.“

He hesitated and Tosh asked, “Who made the first move?“

Ianto swallowed.

“Define first move.“

Tosh looked at him questioningly and he explained, “Jack flirted. I answered in kind. He kissed me. I … suggested staying the night.“ He sighed. “After we started for the very first time, I thought that I was doing it for Lisa. I'm not so sure any more. Then I thought that, maybe, I'm attracted to men, too, but it's only Jack. I thought it was just sex but … he means a lot to me. But he doesn't feel the same way about me.“ He brushed a hand through his hair. “Maybe I am a cheap office shag.“

“But he's treating you right?“ Tosh asked, feeling stupid to even voice the question a moment later. He nodded. Tosh noticed movement in Jack's office. The captain entered the main Hub and shoved his hands into his trouser pockets. His chest was naked. Tosh didn't know what he had heard and she didn't know if she should tell Ianto that Jack was standing behind him. Jack shook his head and Tosh turned her head away to look at Ianto.

Ianto hadn't noticed Jack standing behind him.

“Yes. I mean he's attentive and he respects my decision not to tell anyone. He can be ridiculously romantic. As if he's out of his time.“ He laughed and Tosh grinned. She could imagine. Jack was a mash up of old and new. He wore clothes of a man out of the 40s but he could handle alien technology. Maybe that was why women and men were drawn to him. He was a mystery but he could make you feel as if you were the centre of his universe with just one look.

Ianto sighed.

“I think that he needs someone. He's so … broken sometimes.“

Out of the corner of her eye, Tosh saw the captain turn away and head for his quarters.

Ianto added, “Sad.“ Tosh nodded. Sometimes, Jack would spend days in his office and only come out if the world was about to end. He could be so restless and cold. Only some hours alone up on some roof in Cardiff were able to calm him down, then, even if nothing was able to comfort him. Most of the time, he snapped out of that dark mood a few days later, looking like someone who'd extended a deadline. Maybe hoping to get what he wanted that way.

“I just hope that I'm helping him somehow,“ Ianto said.

“I'm sure you do,“ Tosh answered. Ianto was Jack's confidant and he knew more about the protocols and the base than Owen who was officially Jack's second in command. He helped Jack out with his paperwork so that the captain, who was the only one of them at work 24/7, could go out and relax once in a while. She was sure that Ianto knew more about Jack than he let on. Not everything – nobody could know everything about Jack – but enough to be able to listen to him vent when he needed it.

In return, Jack helped Ianto. He gave him trust and confidence, responsibility and friendship. Things Ianto needed after Lisa's death and the suspension, faced with a job that was too easy for him. Jack had started to take Ianto with him on Weevil hunts and Tosh assumed that he was preparing him to become a full-time field agent even though what had happened in the Brecon Beacons had left Ianto dazed and insecure.

She sighed and yawned.

“I think I should leave,“ she said.

Ianto nodded slowly.

“Okay.“

He got up and Tosh didn't hesitate to embrace him tightly.

“Thanks,“ she whispered. Ianto was the only person she'd ever spoken to so openly about her feelings. For just a second, she was jealous of Jack. Ianto had fought so passionately for Lisa. She wondered how it would feel to have that love directed at herself.

He nodded.

“Thank you.“ One of his hands brushed through her hair. “And I could never pity you, Tosh.“ He kissed her cheek.

She pulled away, nodded thankfully and picked up her bag and the Oreos, then she left.

***

Ianto watched her go then he headed back to Jack's bedroom.

The captain was stretched out on his small bed, one arm under his head, and Ianto just appreciated the view for a minute. Jack opened his eyes.

“Staring is not nice.“

Ianto smiled shyly and got rid of the sweatshirt and the pants. Jack watched him.

“I was just about to send out a search party.“

Ianto shook his head.

“Tosh was still here. We talked.“ He stretched out beside Jack and pulled the thin blanket over them both. The captain turned on his side to rest his head on Ianto's chest. Ianto's fingers tangled in Jack's hair and he closed his eyes.

“For a moment there I thought that you had left.” Jack's voice broke the silence and his hand slipped to Ianto's waist, his thumb rubbing circles on the smooth skin there.

Ianto smiled sleepily.

“Didn't even cross my mind.“

Jack kissed his chest.

“Good.“ He sighed. “I like having you here.“

***

The air was cold and it smelled like rain. Tosh was looking towards the endless ocean. She breathed in deeply and headed for her car. She was reminded of a walk at the ocean she and Mary had shared and even though she had reason enough to be sad, she smiled softly.


END
09/10

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Comments

jolinarjackson
Nov. 3rd, 2010 12:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)

Oh and that scene after Lisa is heart-breaking. I love it. I'm still thinking bout a possibility to work it into a story. :)

They should have kept it in the episode. It was so perfect for Tosh and Ianto.